There’s no place like home.

there-s-no-place-like-home-40

Morning came and I was determined to be going home on this day.

I got up out of bed and was showered and dressed sat on my bed ready to leave the hospital behind me. I was functioning on zero hours sleep and surrounded by other women and crying babies still feeling awful about not knowing what to do yesterday when Archie was choking…. the ward was ridiculously hot and I was stressing that I still wasn’t producing enough milk to feed my baby…. just a few drops of colostrum….and I mean a friggin drop…15 mins of hand expression for a DROP!! I was going to fail at breastfeeding… I knew it already….and to be honest all I wanted was my mum, the comfort of my own carpet underneath my feet oh and some sleep. Did I mention that already?!!

So I waited and waited and waited and again no-one came other then my awful breakfast and an order form for my dinner, which I refused to fill out as I would be home…(please please please be home)

Archie was born on December 23rd and it was Christmas Eve today which seemed to put the pressure on even more so of needing to be home.

Finally after I had a breakdown and my mum had some stern words we were allowed home, It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining, the fresh air hit my face and it was amazing although the carefree me that would of felt relieved to be out of the hospital felt strange….

I kept looking at my baby in his car seat worrying it wasn’t supporting him enough he was going to die because his head was so floppy and he wouldn’t be able to breathe…. cue mum anxiety again… 

Who was this person I had become overnight…I didn’t feel like me…. I was in some kind of zombie like trance…. oh wait sleep deprivation is a bitch!!

Safe to say being home was a luxury and all of a sudden the reality hit me, baby was called Archie and he was blue… all babies (Archie’s) freshly ironed white Moses basket sheets were going to be used and his lovely blankets my mum had knitted.. BUT what did I put him in to sleep, one blanket, a vest and a babygrow? Would he be to hot… would he be too cold my mind whirred with if’s and but’s especially because the midwife that checked us out of hospital had told us all these things about cot death…

My head was buzzing… I obviously didn’t listen as I Couldn’t remember… shit what did she say…I was being selfish wanting to come home… again I won the crap mother award… why couldn’t I take it in…. wait…..Jesus I feel like I’ve been ran over by a bus and run a marathon all at once… even my toes hurt!!

AMEN for my motion detector monitor, this was my piece of mind otherwise I wouldn’t of wanted to sleep for the 4th night!!

As a lay there in my own bed rubbing my tummy not feeling the wriggling anymore I felt so empty… my baby was here safe and sound but all I kept thinking was how he was safer in my tummy! I had done a good job of growing him safe and sound and so far since he’s been here I’ve Sucked big time….

Tomorrow would be a better day… it had to be… it was Christmas and we had just been given the best present ever! He was here and before Christmas poor little bugger and god was he cute….I cant imagine life without him… I look at husband snoring and close my eyes…

And off to sleep I drifted….

 

 

 

Love at first sight… or was it?

So there I was getting showered in complete shock as to what has just happened, not only did the bathroom look like someone was just murdered my tummy was soft and empty.. I could bend over and touch my toes.. oh my how things change in a second!

I wheeled my little Archie up to the maternity still feeling incredibly proud that I had actually done it, and that myself and my husband had actually created this little person. And I did not want to leave him for a second.

Nick went home to grab some things and I was meant to be sleeping as hadn’t slept for two days… could I sleep…? No…. I just kept staring at the little person who finally had a face and it wasn’t how I had imagined.. did I feel this overwhelming love at first site for him… in all honesty no.. what was wrong with me? I loved him but I didn’t have the moment everyone talks about, I was shitting myself quite literally that it was on us now to care for this little ones every need.

He made a funny noise and a panicked…. he was choking and going blue round his lips… SHIT.. what do I do…. move quick off the bed and pick him up (then remembered I had stitches) OUCH.. still trying to figure out what to do, rang the nurses bell…. no-one was coming… patting him on the back quickly hoping nick would be back soon and in he came to help. And I cried… how did I not know what to do? Where was my motherly instinct?

But it was not a worry as it was just mucus and it’s common in babies in a vaginal delivery we just needed to turn baby away from us and rub his back to relieve it and he will cough it up… a nurse informed us….(this was after it happened again this time worse and his lips were well and truly blue..he was not breathing… so my husband frantically shouted someone to help.. and in she came)…. She spoke to us like we were meant to know this….and moaned that she was meant to be talking to mums about feeding.

Well we didn’t… our anti-natal didn’t mention this…so how would we know… should we of you tubed or googled…

Man I need a first aid course!

And there it was the anxiety trigger….bugger

Nurse – 1 and officially the crappiest new parents in the world – 0

mother-quotes-45

And so it begins….

its-a-boy

 

Wow… what an experience labour was and honestly it didn’t go how I had planned.. so no tranquil water birth for me – damn

Did it hurt? – YES

Would I do it again? – YES

Did I Enjoy it? – YES – loved it and it was the most empowering moment of my life.

All these little things above were HUGE things to me when I was pregnant and expecting my first baby….feeling incredibly anxious and having panic attacks about labour and what to expect that was the hardest part right? Once baby was here safe and sound I could stop worrying… (I hear you all tutting at me as I wrote that) little did I know that these worries were just the beginning of something which I really did not have the faintest idea about – although at the time I thought I did!

I had seen friends have babies and been around my 3 nieces and a nephew, I knew how to look after a baby, wind, bathe, settle, cuddle… everyone told me I was a natural I would be fine..I could cope with tiredness, I could survive on only 4 hours sleep and still function at work.. YOU HAVE GOT THIS..

Well as we all know until you have your own child with the emotional attachment involved nothing can EVER prepare you for just how tough motherhood is and oh how I laugh at naive pre baby me!!

It is the only job you will never be prepared or qualified for despite how much research or preparation you put in. Your CV will never be good enough to get you this job – (in the real world) and it is the hardest days work you will ever do, where you get no praise, targets or feedback on your performance it’s just you AKA mummy (you no longer have a name.. just this one) and this little stranger that has no instruction manual AKA baby….

‘It’s a boy’

What the hell do I do……HELP!?!