My husband and I have been together 8 years and were married after 5, but I can honestly say hand on heart we were ready to have a baby together after just 3 years, but we decided to wait and get married first and try to start our family as soon as we were married.
It did take us a year which at the time seemed like the longest year ever, and I know that we were lucky there are people who are never given this opportunity or that takes much longer than a year so I do consider us lucky.
I have never longed for something so long in my life, my sister had 4 children before I had fallen pregnant and I loved every one of them like my own but feeling the biggest yurn for my chance to become a parent one day.
I just assumed once we started trying it would happen fairly quickly, I had spent my whole life trying NOT to get pregnant by being super careful (and probably took the morning after pill even when I didn’t need to just incase Lol)… So why now when we were ready was it not happening…
I learnt that when you want for something so badly the expectations just keep rising getting higher and higher, so when it finally came it all crashed around my ears…
This was what I had longed for so why did I want my old life back, why didn’t I feel that overwhelming love that everyone goes on about… Why was I regretting our decision to start a family…. So many people would give their right arm to be in my position so I’m being really ungrateful. Don’t get me wrong now it’s there and finally that emotion I knew I should feel…. a year later I am the mum I always thought I would be but the path I’ve taken to get here hasn’t been easy with plenty of bumps along the way.
I was convinced Archie was a girl… And I never knew how I could ever be a mother to a boy, after being around my 3 nieces a lot I was totally prepared for girls…so Archie threw me off guard. And I’ll be honest I grieved the little bean I had in my tummy, even though he was here and safe and I loved him I missed feeling the little one kick me, I knew the whole time he was in my tummy he was safe… Now he was exposed to the world and the people in it. I had to teach him, grow him as a person, set good boundaries and examples.. I genuinely don’t think I can do this when I’m not liking the mother I am, he deserves the best version of me and this isn’t it….
My expectations of motherhood were getting the better of me and I was spiralling downwards into this dark place, putting pressure on myself to be the beautiful smiling mother from the aptamil advert lovingly stroking her baby whilst feeding….who was excited to see their baby when they woke up and never really wanted to put them down, who was enjoying every moment of being on her own with the baby and the whole year of maternity.
But the reality was I had been thrown into the deep end of a very deep pool in a very daunting new job with no experience and I would have to sink a bit before I learnt to swim… I would grow as a mother and the relationship I had with my son would also blossom as time went on, because I carried him for 9 months doesn’t mean I knew him…. He was a stranger to me and everyday I was learning more and more about this little person that was now dominating my schedule.
I would look at other women and think ‘she’s got her shit together I bet she doesn’t feel how I do’ but truth is we all feel like this at some point and some more than others but sisterhood and mummy friends are your therapy and will make you feel sane when all you want to do is cry because you called your baby a knob or a bitch when they woke from a nap early, and the long list you had set to do whilst they were sleeping hadn’t even been started yet as you had only just finished clearing up…
Just because your expectations vs reality aren’t what you expected has no reflection on you as a person or as a mother, we all know what it’s like to be looking forward to an amazing holiday but then being disappointed as it wasn’t as nice as you expected.
Motherhood is no exception so don’t beat yourself up ❤️