Morning came and I was determined to be going home on this day.
I got up out of bed and was showered and dressed sat on my bed ready to leave the hospital behind me. I was functioning on zero hours sleep and surrounded by other women and crying babies still feeling awful about not knowing what to do yesterday when Archie was choking…. the ward was ridiculously hot and I was stressing that I still wasn’t producing enough milk to feed my baby…. just a few drops of colostrum….and I mean a friggin drop…15 mins of hand expression for a DROP!! I was going to fail at breastfeeding… I knew it already….and to be honest all I wanted was my mum, the comfort of my own carpet underneath my feet oh and some sleep. Did I mention that already?!!
So I waited and waited and waited and again no-one came other then my awful breakfast and an order form for my dinner, which I refused to fill out as I would be home…(please please please be home)
Archie was born on December 23rd and it was Christmas Eve today which seemed to put the pressure on even more so of needing to be home.
Finally after I had a breakdown and my mum had some stern words we were allowed home, It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining, the fresh air hit my face and it was amazing although the carefree me that would of felt relieved to be out of the hospital felt strange….
I kept looking at my baby in his car seat worrying it wasn’t supporting him enough he was going to die because his head was so floppy and he wouldn’t be able to breathe…. cue mum anxiety again…
Who was this person I had become overnight…I didn’t feel like me…. I was in some kind of zombie like trance…. oh wait sleep deprivation is a bitch!!
Safe to say being home was a luxury and all of a sudden the reality hit me, baby was called Archie and he was blue… all babies (Archie’s) freshly ironed white Moses basket sheets were going to be used and his lovely blankets my mum had knitted.. BUT what did I put him in to sleep, one blanket, a vest and a babygrow? Would he be to hot… would he be too cold my mind whirred with if’s and but’s especially because the midwife that checked us out of hospital had told us all these things about cot death…
My head was buzzing… I obviously didn’t listen as I Couldn’t remember… shit what did she say…I was being selfish wanting to come home… again I won the crap mother award… why couldn’t I take it in…. wait…..Jesus I feel like I’ve been ran over by a bus and run a marathon all at once… even my toes hurt!!
AMEN for my motion detector monitor, this was my piece of mind otherwise I wouldn’t of wanted to sleep for the 4th night!!
As a lay there in my own bed rubbing my tummy not feeling the wriggling anymore I felt so empty… my baby was here safe and sound but all I kept thinking was how he was safer in my tummy! I had done a good job of growing him safe and sound and so far since he’s been here I’ve Sucked big time….
Tomorrow would be a better day… it had to be… it was Christmas and we had just been given the best present ever! He was here and before Christmas poor little bugger and god was he cute….I cant imagine life without him… I look at husband snoring and close my eyes…
And off to sleep I drifted….
Motherhood 